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onramp year two 2002
onramp year one 2001
Dustbin days- 2000
2000-11-25 - 00:58:46
hello i'm home from a trip to eugene to see my little sister webly bucket, for thanxgiving. my room is freezing and i could see my breath. that kinda scared me cause i thought i had somehow broken the space heater. it works again. i was about to curl up in an attempt to hibernate until morning but i figured that since i got it working i should finally write somethign here.
joe is still down in eugene with a sill idea of ridign his bike home tomorrow. i might be up for htat kind of thing but it is oregon in late november. oh well i hope he doesnt' get too soaked. so... i am joeless tonight. i lit some candles to try to heat this room a bit too. i'm listening to a mix tape titled "i'm disappointed" it is a bunch of new wavey stuff form my youth OMD, the cure, janes addiction, love and rockets, joy division, etc. it makes me sad and happy. thanxgiving was fun. all vegany goodness and seeing my sister is always a treat even if she is obsessed with her school work.
my band "corey haim suicide pact" played again it was fun but i got a little too drunk by the end of that last set. i only realized it afterwards when i crashed out on joe's arm and our wonderful bassist vanessa took us home. i had a lot of fun anyway.
my i sure am skipping around a lot. my friend lindsay has been giong through a not so fun break up where all the peopel around her have turned into ememies or at least mosters or something. it is hard when she is my firend yet i live in the same house as her ex who is having my friends roommate stay the night now. it gets too confusing. she has a good heart and doesn't deserve all the shit talking and back stabbing. i guess i only lend to it by writign this.
what else of interest has happened? oh, joe asked me a very interesting question recently. we were eating at the paradox and he looked at me and said "what was it like dating paul?" i was a sincere question and it floored me i wasn't sure how to answer. we talked for awhile but then i had to go to work and it let all the thoughts and ideas loose in my head. i guess he is only trying to help me. but it is weird. paul and i were a relationship based on respect, logic and reason. there really wasn't much emotion until the end, by that time we didn't know what to do with it. i know that i don't want to be with him and i that do love joe. but i still need soem kind of closure. i know that if i had wanted i could have walked up to paul when i was in utah at the corleones show and said "hi" like i had never left. but i can't do that. i can't pretend that i don't care or that i forgot. it means too much to me. too me it would seem like denying two years of my life. i can't do that. i'd ratehr not have him in my life. so i am begining to compile all the thing i have to say for a letter to him that i will send sometime in the next six months or so. i do want to be friends with him. i would love to go have a beer together and talk about philosophy and music, but i can't do that pretending everything is ok.i guess i need closure but i also want to help him. ya, i know it is usually a lost cause trying to help the poor lost boy. i think that i knew the closest thing to the true paul and that scared him. he is too good at covering all his insecurities with jokes that no one gets that close. of course by the time i send the letter we will have been broken up as long as we were together. he may be someone different now. i guess i need a big "fuck you" or a "you're right" or something. maybe it is all a big egotisitical move. but i realize that things from that relationship have carried over, bad habits that make me end up hurting joe and myself. i want so much to be happy. i am but there seems like something is missing. a door i need to close to move on. i wish i wasn't so emotional. it has only gotten worse. but it makes me feel better and more real and alive. who knows. i'm going to make soem tea.
***MICROCOSM PUBLISHING***we make 1" buttons, stickers, shirts, and patches. we also distro recrods, books, zines and more. this is how joe and i make a living
BUY A COPY OF THE STOLEN SHARPIE REVOLUTIONG BOOK FOR $5 POSTAGE PAID
/>carrying a computer tower on the bus is a good conversation starter - house shopping gives me a bigger headache than christmas shopping
