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onramp year two 2002
onramp year one 2001
Dustbin days- 2000
Saturday, Oct. 27, 2001 - 3:16 a.m.
dear paul,
i'm so very gald that i went to your show tonight. i wasn't sure what to expect. it was at the same club (new name) as the one your old band played at in 97 when i was on tour with you. strange how thigns come full circle.i watched from the back at the begining of the set but you guys were good and i was drawn to the music. very manchester, very pulp meets radiohead. it was good to see you playing in a band with dave again. i missed him and his geinus dropout sense of humor. i watched you and when you did that pulp cover you saw me and shrugged and smiled. i wasn't sure what to make of it.
you ended the set. i watched from the back fo the club. there were more people than i had expected. you were putting you guitar away i walked up all anxious and nervous and unknowing what to think.
"hi" i said... (what else can you say after not seeing someone for almost two and a half years when you have built them up to be something against you for so long?)
"hi!, i'm so glad you came!" as you engulf me in a tight close relieved hug that i was not expecting my my arms knew where to go.
they still remembered.
there was nothing there. i was relieved.
you took me over to the table with the merch (oh, how many nights i spent sitting with your merch)and gave me my built up mail from the post box we used to share. i talked with dave and i couldn't help smiling at his revelations about cable TV and wresting. (you two are so good together musically) kathy the drummer asked who i was and her eyes got as big as saucers as she realized, then asked me for a tampon. (too bad i use the keeper now but i still had one in an odd pocket of my bag)
you asked me to go outside with you while you smoked a clove. (just like in the old days but you always said it was bad for your voice.)
we sat on the same stairs that we had our picture taken back in 97. it has been a long time. (i offered you one of the hard ciders i had brought in my messenger bag) we talked about family and terrorists and ruby and joe and getting married and bands and people i knew and people he knew and people we both knew and change and our past relationship and i felt like i was talking to a person who was a long time friend( i guess you are). ther was no bitterness in your voice . (was it all in my head?) it was all so internal. it make me shake when lighting a clove. my emotions, so long ago, still set me on edge.
you have forgotten, well, not fogotten but come to terms with. i felt weird as animosity drained out of me. as i longed for news of your family and life. i wonder who you are now and i am amazed that there isn't much difference in you beside you hair being longer. this is out of context on some stairs behind a club.
the show ends and we carry stuff down (oh how many times i had done that) i know there is more for me to learn and i can't leave yet. everyone goes to a party and we go along running into people i know who ask about joe and searching for the potty. someones asks if we are friends. you smile at me and say "Ya" we discussed the downfalls of the newest star wars movie after people tell you that you look like mark hammil (it's better than billie joe)we talk about art bell and shadow people, we talk about philosophy and carl Jung and dostoyevsky and other books. you make the same kind of jokes (and sometimes even the same jokes) we make references to our past as if it was yesterday. as if all the shit didn't matter. as if we were just dumb kids back then.... which we were.
we leave the party with danny and walk over the burnside bridge. i don't look up cause it's not something that i want to remember with the city back drop over MY brideges in MY town. we find the bar called the tube and sit down and have free beers that someone who works there wants to give us. at some point you exclaim "we drank a lot" directed to me. (damn straight we drank a lot) we tell stories of drinking and for a minute it is just like old times (except with no hint in either of our voices of "wait till i get you home")
other people talk about the web of how we all know eachother and other people who live in portland. danny talks about an ex who's friend gave him shit. you look towards me and i just smile cause tonight is not the night to get into what feelings can do to our insides or the pain i felt through it that really does't matter anymore (maybe if joy division and pulp were playing but not to this techno in some fucked up bar with these people i hardly know)
as we are leaving i am at my bike and you come over. you tell me about how gald you are that i came and that you always tell people i was the smartest girl you ever dated. (i always knew that anyway)
we walk to the van. i shook your hand as we walked down the streets in china town (i know i'm/we're drunk) i told you that i was glad you taught me how to drink (which you did). you said "thanks for teaching me to think" i said that was rhyme that should never be used again and you said it was true and that you really appreciated it.
as long as we were on that strain i say that i am sorry for freaking out on you before i left. you say it was great entertainment... and then explain it in a better way that doesn't sound so horrible cause my feelings weren't just entertainment maybe writing material, but not entertainment
i wanted to tell you thanks for being so much writing material. but i didn't. i told you thanks for teaching me a lot about music and how bands work. you said well, we spent a lot of time together. and that we shared two years of our life. and that it meant a lot to you and that you learned a lot from me.
everyone climbed into the van and we exchanged like 3 more hugs and drunken revelations of the effect we had on eachother's hearts, minds and lives. you asked if it was ok to call me sunshine and you reminded me that you helped give me the name Alex Wrekk. and then told me that the name fit me perfectly and not because i am a wrekk, just because it is a good name for me. we swore we were going to keep in touch but, i know how you are (i had to answer your fan mail for you)it would be good to stay in touch though. you say you are going to get you computer fixed. i'm doubting you (it wouldn't be the first time) but it would be nice.
i rode my bike home remembering events. wishing i could cry for the catharsis i was feeling. i couldn't. i already cried too much over you. it was all gone. i'm in love with a wonderful boy who makes me a better person in one hundered million ways. i'm doing great things with my life and i have an perfect person to do them with.
now, i'm at home and listening to your cd (that you had to give to me and not let me buy) and trying to reprocess things and wonder where it all fits. it is clear why i had so many dreams about you in the past two weeks and how none of them were bad.
we are connected somehow. not everyone understand when you talk about art bell and shadow people and aliens and philosophy and travel all in the same sentence.
so, i'm relly glad that i went. i hope that we can keep in contact and really be friends this time. i think you are an amazing musician and you will go some where with it. have hope, and take care of your self.
alex wrekk "sunshine"
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